The Breakup-er vs The Breakup-ee


One of the things I’ve learned is to be selfish when it’s necessary. It is easy to find yourself in a bad situation because you are trying to avoid hurting others in the process.

Perhaps “selfish” is not the right word. Self prioritizing. This doesn’t mean being your own number one priority at all times, but realizing when it is appropriate to put your needs before another’s. It ends up benefiting involved parties in the long run anyway.

It really sucks. It sucks to be the one who has to end a relationship. It sucks to hurt someone your care about. It sucks to say “no”. But it needs to be done.

A future that is better for everyone is worth an uncomfortable and exhausting present. In relationships, where I think this is most evident, it’s hard to see that a positive outcome will show itself while enduring heartbreak. Having been on both roles of a breakup, the breakup-er and the breakup-ee, I can’t tell you which I prefer. They are both awful and heartbreaking.

On one hand, being the one who has decided that a relationship is no longer serving both members in a positive matter is the actual worst. The realization that there is no future between you and someone who you truly care about is sickening. And no matter how hard you try to imagine it changing or getting better, it’s always be in the back of your mind.

If You’re Already Annoyed, Don’t Date Them

My advice to you (take it or leave it, who know’s if I’m right – I do): if it feels wrong, it likely is. That being said, I have never had a relationship that ended in “forever”, so I could be wrong (I’m not). But I do believe that if there is solid evidence of unhappiness early on, the best thing to do is save each other’s time and end it as soon as that’s evident.

Sounds easy right? Nope. Maybe it’s because I have trouble giving up or the fact that I hate being wrong, but I want to keep trying. I am the type who likes to “work through things”, because that’s how relationships strive, right?

Wrong – not really, that is how relationships work, but there’s no working through someone’s personality. Situations and disagreements can be worked through, but you are never going to change who a person is.

One thing I’ve been told all of my life is that men and women often enter relationships with the idea that they can work the quirks out of their significant other’s personality. My tip for you – don’t date someone if they already bug you. The things that bother you won’t disappear because you guys start kissing. Same person, same quirks, just muted by the thrill of kissing so they seem less annoying.

The Breakup-er & The Breakup-ee

Let’s take a look at the two roles in a breakup. The breakup-er is tasked with ending the relationship. The second it’s decided that there needs to be a breakup is horrible.You know if you don’t do it right away, then you’re the jerk who is lying about your feelings and wasting someone’s time.

Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way (I doubt it very much), but by following this philosophy, it’s left the breakup-ee’s in my life pretty taken aback. UGH. I don’t know, you guys. Being the breakup-er really sucks.

Despite my absolute dread of ever having to be a breakup-er again, the breakup-ee doesn’t get off easy at all. My experiences of being broken up with have not come as a complete shock. I overanalyze a lot, so I’m pretty good at sensing when someone isn’t feeling it anymore. But oh no, this does not stop me from hoping I can fix it. Spoiler alert – I’ve never been able to.

Accepting The Inevitable

The break up itself is easier as the break up-ee. All you gotta do is sit there and be broken up with. You know, just kind of go into shock and then hyperventilate after they’re gone. All the right words will come to mind about an hour after the break up. AWESOME.

There’s no use fighting it, because at the end of the day, this person doesn’t want to be with you. No argument you have will alter that fact (not even alternative facts will help you now). You may be able to convince them that they’re making a huge mistake and they may fall for it. Success! You’re still dating someone who just admitted they don’t want to be with you.

I have had my fair share of getting-back-togethers. What can I say, I’m easily convinced that I’m making a huge mistake. But without fail, every time that I was unsuccessful in breaking up, I knew as soon as I agreed to get back together that it was a not the right thing to do. Oh crap. Nope. Nope. The quirks still bug me. I’ve just made this 10x worse.

Don’t try to convince the breakup-er to stay. You will always know that at one point, they didn’t want you and they’ll also know that. If it is meant to be, you will get back together, but swallow your pride and feelings in that moment and give yourselves time to realize it’s a mistake. It can take breaking up to realize you both want to be together. But for the love of all that is good and holy, if someone is breaking up with you, Let. Them.

Give them time to be alone. Give yourself time to be alone. They may realize they want to be with you. You may realize they made a good decision.

Post Breakup Analyzation

Coming back to the break up being easier for the breakup-ee. It’s true. The breakup-er is likely more upset during the breakup – unless it was a crazy toxic relationship in which they are probably dancing away from the break up. BOI BYE.

That being said, the breakup-ee has it worse in the long run. The breakup-er knew this was coming. They have already thought about all of the reasons why it wasn’t working and that a breakup was necessary. The breakup-ee now has to go through everything that has happened and realize these things too. This can take an excruciatingly long time.

Being broken up with can also have a dismal effect on general trust, especially if your significant other was really super at making you believe they were in it for the long run.

After a couple breakups, and specifically after getting a taste of being the breakup-er, it starts to feel less personal. Sometimes things don’t work out and I, personally, would rather someone not waste my time entertaining the idea of it working out if they know it’s not going to.

Although the breakup-er probably had a really crappy month after they ended it, but the healing process can be relatively quicker. It’s difficult to know for certain that it was the right move, but if it was it is not as hard to get over. Once they have the realization that it was the right decision, generally happy trails from then on out.

Tough, Scrappy, & Sensitive

In summation, I believe that the breakup-er has it worse on the day of and the breakup-ee has a longer, more painful healing process. Essentially, no one is off the hook with feeling miserable post-breakup. If you don’t feel awful, you may have been in a horrendous relationship or you’re just a good ole fashion sociopath!

Breakups are all around the worst. While that’s obvious, they can also the best thing that can happen to you. Have you ever looked back on a relationship after a healthy amount of time has passed and thought “Oh I get it now”? Sometimes awful things happen for good reasons. So be selfish, be resilient, and be vulnerable. Don’t fight the tough times, because there’s something waiting in the future that cannot happen unless you suffer a little.


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